Dad Jokes 😄

I broke up with my girlfriend after finding out she was a communist.

I should have seen it coming. There were red flags everywhere.

What's the difference between a dad joke and an athletic rabbit?

One's a bit funny, the other's a fit bunny.

Did you hear about the man who died when a periodic table fell on him?

The official cause of death was exposure to the elements.

My friend has been engaged five times but never married.

That's a lot of near misses.

I'm writing a book about WD-40.

It's non-friction.

I do a lot of illegal things.

But graffiti is where I draw the line.

I asked the bookstore owner about the book on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat.

She said she wasn't sure if she had it, but it rang a bell.

I refuse to eat steak on the beach.

That's my loin in the sand.

Shopping with my wife, I said: 'Babe, you need to accept that I'm a changed man.'

She said: 'Get out of the dressing room already.'

I didn't want to believe my friend was stealing road signs.

But when I visited his bedroom, all the signs were there.

I was starving and my friend lent me some spices.

Now I'm living on borrowed thyme.

Why do pandas loaf around at the zoo?

They're bread in captivity.

When I was younger I had a job as a shop window mannequin.

I held that position for a long time.

He admitted he didn't know anything about the cloning machine.

I said: 'That makes two of us.'

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

Yes, we arson.

I saw an ad: 'Radio for sale, $2, volume stuck on full.'

I thought: I can't turn that down.

Someone glued my deck of cards together.

I don't know how to deal with it.

I'll never forget what my grandfather said right before he croaked.

He said: 'Want to hear my frog impression?'

A man was hospitalised with six plastic horses inside him.

Doctors described his condition as stable.

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they're standing.

It's a five-minute walk from my house to the pub.

It's a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He Neverlands.

A Mexican magician said he'd disappear on the count of three. He said 'uno, dos...'

He disappeared without a tres.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.

My dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft.

I refused to believe it, but when I got home, the signs were all there.

As a lumberjack, I know I've chopped down exactly 2,026 trees.

Every time I chop one down, I keep a log.

A locksmith had to go to court to give evidence.

Apparently he was the key witness.

I saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.

I thought: now that's a little condescending.

How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?

Look for the fresh prints.

How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.

Two wind turbines are standing in a field. One asks: 'What kind of music are you into?'

The other says: 'I'm a huge metal fan.'

Dad, can you put my shoes on?

No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Why don't skeletons ever go trick-or-treating?

They have no body to go with.

A friend asked if I thought Advent calendars would still be around in ten years.

Personally, I think their days are numbered.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

An irrelephant.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.

What did the grape do when someone stepped on it?

It let out a little wine.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

Truly.

Dad, can you put the cat out?

I didn't know it was on fire.

This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in.

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:

You can hide, but you can't run.

The rotation of the earth really makes my day.

Every single time.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.

A furniture store keeps calling me.

All I wanted was one night stand.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip?

I was heels over head.

I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I'm just doing it for kicks.

People don't like having to bend over to get their drinks.

We really need to raise the bar.

I remember when dad used to roll me down the hill in a tyre.

Those were Goodyears.

What did the scarf say to the hat?

'You hang around here, I'll go on ahead.'

A man at a funeral asks the widow: 'Mind if I say a word?'

He says 'Bargain.' She replies: 'Thanks, that means a great deal.'

Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?

He won the no-bell prize.

My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

I was a doctor for a while, but then I quit.

I just didn't have enough patients.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

Kid: 'Dad, I'm cold!' Dad:

'Go stand in the corner. It's 90 degrees.'

I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year.

Now I have to deal with the emotional baggage.

Did you hear about the new car you can only drive when you're not talking?

It goes without saying.

My buddy has been with his girlfriend for two years. I've never heard either of them laugh.

It's a very serious relationship.

I just found out there's no training for garbage collectors.

They just pick things up as they go along.

I've been told I have a dad bod.

I prefer to think of myself as a father figure.

Last night I watched two movies back to back with my wife.

Fortunately I was the one facing the TV.

What does the invisible man have in the centre of his face?

Nobody nose.

How do dumpsters communicate with each other?

They trash talk.

If you ever lock yourself out of your car, just talk to the lock.

Communication is the key.

I bought a new car, but the reverse gear doesn't work.

There's no going back now.

My son just started eating $100 bills.

He has very expensive taste.

Did you hear the joke about the deaf guy?

Neither did he.

I went to a psychic. I knocked on her door. She yelled 'Who is it?'

So I left.

Did you hear about the bloke whose whole left side was cut off?

He's all right now.

I made a belt out of watches.

It was a waist of time.

If at first you don't succeed...

Never try skydiving.

I just looked at my ceiling.

Not sure if it's the best ceiling in the world, but it's definitely up there.

I was so proud when I finished the puzzle in six months.

The box said 3 to 4 years.

I had a set of encyclopedias fall on me.

I only have myshelf to blame.

I got lost in the forest. Fortunately I had a compass.

So I was able to draw perfect circles while waiting to be rescued.

A shop assistant fought off a robber with a labelling gun.

Police are looking for a man with a price on his head.

Will glass coffins ever become popular?

Remains to be seen.

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt. He says:

'Two drinks please, one for me and one for the road.'

I just purchased a book on addiction.

I've read it 12 times.

Why did the coffee file a police report?

It got mugged.

Dad, did you get a haircut?

No, I got them all cut.

I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.

But how am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

Want to hear a joke about construction?

I'm still working on it.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two-tired.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him.

He's doing better now and conducting himself properly.

I tripped over my wife's bra.

It was a booby trap.

For my birthday, my kids gave me an alarm clock that swore at me instead of buzzing.

It was quite a rude awakening.

I have a Polish friend who's a sound technician. And a Czech one too.

Czech one too. Czech one too.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know y.

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?

Sofishticated.

Dentist's favourite time of day?

Tooth-hurty.

Why did the math book look so sad?

It had too many problems.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

It's impossible to put down.

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

Why don't skeletons fight each other?

They don't have the guts.

I used to hate facial hair.

But then it grew on me.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

Why did the gym close down?

It just didn't work out.

I told my son he should embrace his mistakes.

He gave me a hug.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

I used to be addicted to soap.

But I'm clean now.

I told my son I was going to tell him a joke about time travel.

He didn't laugh. I guess he didn't get it yet.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

Depresso.